friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
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I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I found your tweet-up…
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”