I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
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Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree