You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
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spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.