Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
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Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
it be like that
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
We like the way Dwight thinks
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I enjoy a good short stor
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins