If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
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“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.