there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
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I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.