I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
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The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
we did it you guys we saved daylight
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
hmm conte-me mais
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.