[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
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Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this