My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
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Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
You know…for fall…
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
How times have changed.