Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.