Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
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[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.