me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
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One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Important
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by