[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
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“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
It’s actually Dr. whatever
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.