“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
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The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I can’t be the only one 😂
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope