No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
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[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT