How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
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Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.