I miss getting my misinformation from less places
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HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Oh deer
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*