5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
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here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
🤣😈🤣
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Is fake venison called venisn’t