Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
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When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor