ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
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FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.