If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
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Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.