Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
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eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy