If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
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Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.