After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
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Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
The answer is funnier than the question
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January