Free him
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If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now