asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
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Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.