Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
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“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Science memes
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?