i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
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My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before