husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
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Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Gross if literal…Liverpool
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I only treason on days ending in y
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread