Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
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This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.