Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
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A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way