i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
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I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher