It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
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I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.