The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
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My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle