I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
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Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo