A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
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My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
the rocks need my help
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.