What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
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“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Autocarrot sucks!
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something