Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
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Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.