[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
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I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
That earthquake could have been an email.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.