All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
You Might Also Like
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
The options really are this bad
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4