some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
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Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Just say no
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.