The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
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‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.