Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
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Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.