“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
You Might Also Like
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?