My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
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Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there