As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
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Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
that de-escalated quickly
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”