I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
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When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.