TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
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I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden