This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
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wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.