My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
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I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
kids play hide and seek like
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Check your privilege
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”